One thing that i have always loved and admired are masks. The bright, feathery masks. My mother had some porcelain masquerade masks that hung on our walls when i was little and was always fascinated by their beauty. in fact, as most people who know me, know that i LOVE Phantom of the Opera. And now, working at a store called The Costume Vault, i get to see all sorts of masks. from the cheap plastic ones for children, to the latex masks, the bloody and gorey masks, the clowns, vampires, the pinheads, the jasons, the freddies, the ICP and Slipknot masks.. and then, those beautiful jeweled (yes fake, i know), feathered, bright, colorful masquerade masks.. they are the only masks that we have behind the counter.. so those who want to "five-finger discount" they are protected.
One thing about masks i love it you could wear one, and no one could see who was behind it. You could be someone completely different. Be whoever you wanted to be.
Growing up, i felt as if i had to where a mask. Pretend to be something i wasnt. be someone i was not. I wore a different mask for different people. In front of my family, i had to wear the mask where i could not show my individuality. When i had my obsession with certain music or movies, and my mother and step-father made fun of it because of what ever actor or singer i was 'in love' with was in their eyes "Gay" So i grew up to just follow what my mother did, i put the mask on. whatever she liked, i liked. whatever she didnt like, i said i didnt like as well.
In front of friends and the public, I had to wear the mask that "everything is ok" I learned how to smile and laugh when i really wanted to breakdown and cry.
When i left my mother when i was 16 and lived with my aunt, i found that i was wearing that "everything is ok" mask alot. I pretended i was happy when i felt shunned by my mother.
after leaving my aunts house when i was 18 it was the "i dont need anyone" mask. I was so tired of being hurt by my loved ones. So i left and pretended that i didnt care or needed anyone.
When i had found Paganism, I was still attending the Baptist church. I for some reason, could not leave the church for quite a while. So that was another mask i had to wear. Pretend that i was the good christian girl that i used to be.
As you can see, this would be quite maddening right? it was. Everything wasnt ok, I wasnt smiling or laughing. i wasnt pretending, all alone, i was depressed, which caused the cutting.. i can go on and on..
but for some reason, every morning i woke up, i would put on another mask, which felt like a mask made of concrete by the way, I would face the day, pretending and butting on the strong front that i showed. It almost became addicting. I started to forget who 'jade' really was. I got worse and worse. i had hit that rock bottom, and pretended i was on top of the world.
I already know what its like to take of one mask.. i took off that 'good christian girl' mask long time ago. i was finally free from that.
But it wasnt until i moved back to Ohio that i really started to crack at those cement masks that seems to not want to come off.
but something made them 'crack' i dont know if its the people im around or if its just this place. i dont know.. I can now say i know who i am. when i say that everything is ok. i mean it. im not pretending. i dont know when, but i realized it last Sunday during service that I am ME. i can breathe and just be. I have no reasons to hide who i am. i have my own personality. my own likes and dislikes. i am empowered. and i cannot bare to tell you how free it feels.
And i hope that whatever is happening in my life, it continues.
*Now dont get me wrong though, i still love the real things!*
