Work day.. EPIC FAIL

Today when i woke up, I was extremely positive that I was going to pass this  'test day' at what was going to be my new job. I go in, at 4:00pm get introduced filled some kind of paper work, then got right to it. did whatever they wanted me to do. So, I had cleaner and a towel, also a broom and dust pan in my had all day. The moment someone got up to leave, i was there, to clean up. as well as got to know some of the co workers and joke around whenever it was necessary, usually when someone else started it. over all, i had a very good day. There was many people that had said i was doing a very good job. and i got along with everyone i worked with today. So at the end of the day, i was feeling very confident that i finally had a job! The manager that was to determine whether or not I had a job, he had nothing but nice things to say about me. he said I did an amazing job, I was very enthusiastic, very friendly, Worked very hard. My confidence growing even more. I sit there listening to the praises and even thank him for such.. The the BUT comes... "We do not feel that this is the place for you. you showed excellent work today, and if today was like a normal busy day we would have been able to see more of what potential you have,  but since its was a slack type of day, and were not able to show what you can preform at a faster speed, we do not want to hire you here right now, and be too overwhelmed with the work"  I think i literally felt my world come crashing down. I hardly ever cry at something like this, but i was LOOKING FORWARD to this job. all the while, he keeps apologizing, i wonder what is he not telling me? what horrible job did i really do? what did i do wrong? what could i have done better? all the while crying my eyes out, trying to make him change his mind, "But i can do it, how can you tell me i cant do the super busy days if you don't want to put me through that test? I dont understand. I really dont. So once again, i have no job. I have to keep looking..... Will I ever find one?

Fake or Real part II

Ok, the day I was ranting about friends being fake.. I am going to go into a specific detail about something that really PISSED me off today...

That day, I had went through my facebook and deleted ALOT of people. most who I used to associate with when I lived in Omaha. There only a few that I considered near and dear to my heart did I keep from my past life.

Today one of these friends gets online and we start chatting it up a bit. I have known Ted for at least 5 years. I knew from the beginning that he wanted more then friendship. I just did not see him the same way he saw me. but for a long time, he was respectful about it. he was the one I would go to, to cry on his shoulder. he has seen me go loser after loser. besides that, we would joke around, and flirt. but that as far as it has ever went. I eventually, did sleep with him,which I sorta regret doing now, because now since it was only once and never again, that it was all him, he wasnt good enough.. but that just wasnt it.. It was more i was not really ready for anything super serious since my bad breakup with a previous boyfriend.. He is the type of person who is always down because everyone else has someone and he doesnt. he just did not value what he had. I always told him that he wil find someone, just to be positive. I have suggested countless times to try to look for work, or even go to school. do something for himself. every time he has ignored my advice, so, i kinda gave up just giving it to him. But I was always still around to talk to him and listen to him.. I moved about 3 months ago, and he doesnt really get online much, so we dont talk very often. Today was probably the 3rd time i have talked to him since moving. We start conversation with the usual encounter and funny and flirty comments to each other. the he goes into his usual depressed state,


*start actual conversation*


Ted: "hell playing in traffic is bout most of the amusement i get nowadays...kinda sad... when i get to know someone long enough that im comfortable enough with them to either flirt or proposition them... the answer always no.."

Me: I know.. alot of the time it was me..

Ted: u told all the chicks here to not play around with me?? what the fuck

Me: no.. i was one that always said no

Ted: ur not the only one hon... they all been saying no...even some of our sluttier members of the group...

Me: i wish i could help you out.

Ted: ehh... shrugs u ran off and found u a family that cares for u and a life... i no begrudge u that hon...

Me: and actual happiness. i can truely say im happy without faking it for once

Ted: grins... nods like u faked it with me...

Me: that wasnt faking dear..

Ted: ya.. that y we did it so many times and sessions....hell i didnt even rate a 2nd try

Me: ted.. dont. you know im messed up when it comes to stuff like that.. why must you always make me feel bad?

Ted: im not trying to make u feel bad... im trying to figure out what the hell is so bad about me that i cant get anyone to even try...if i have someone flirting with me... i try the answer is no...always...

Me: i wish i had the answers for you but i dont

Ted: hell u cant tell me y u pretty much ran from me? even tho u were majorly after me when i first got with christina and hell most that relationship...? then u went through hell from the stories i hear hell most of the group... shit... i no understandy.... hell i no understandy anydamn thing anymore...

Me: depending what hell your talking about...

Ted: subtract the hells... lemme try it again.. from the stories i hear from when i whined to other peoples u fucked ur way through most of the group...hell even shaggy got a 2nd go round... and he made u let him take pics...u kno how fucked that is?

Me: wtf! the entire group? how dare you even assume something like that. and the pics he took, are the ones of me downtown at the wall..

ted: then shaggy lied to me when he said 1 he had sex with u for a few nights... and 2 he lied when he showed me naked pics of u... because i told him u wouldnt ever send me any...

Me: yea i was trying to start a relationship with him. thats diffrent than 'fucking through downtown' i had second thought about it though..

that truely hurt my feelings ted. I really thought you were an actual true friend.. No one has ever told me something so hurtful before. What gives you that right to talk to me like that? because you hate your life and im happy? is that it? Ive told you what to do, get a job, stop chasing after girls all the time. You cant truely be with someone until you love and respect yourself first. No one want to be with someone who is all "why me?" all the time. Stop playing the fucking victim and DO something with yourself. Just because you are not happy, does not give you the right to make other people live unhappy. NO ONE says shit like that to me. How can you say that, yet say you love me? i dont understand that..

*End Conversation*


HOW ON EARTH can someone basically call me a WHORE and call me their friend?? HOW? So again... I really need to re-evaluate the people I meet in the future. Even Raven, my ex and Liliths father, has more respect for me. So once again, i can say, I HATE fake people. And I just request that If you plan of stabbing me in the back, can you do so now and get done with it, and get out of my life? My life is way much more important to be brought down. I have a new job to start tomorrow. im busy with church.. I am happy with my life. DO NOT try to bring me down because you hate your life so much.


Thank you and have a good night

Within Temptation's Angels, for you to enjoy

A little bit about Sunday mornings.

I'm dedicating this blog to the church... no not church... the spiritual house that I attend to each week. I cannot call it a church because it is not 'read the bible and listen' This is a 'practice how you wish and we all come together as one; type of place. this is based on "The Science of Mind" Philosophy, which clams that ALL is God. meaning, that I am god, you are god, the air, earth, water, fire, is God.. which i agree except i like to change this to All is the Goddess. and Speaking with Rev. Molly, she believes that whatever i believe is ok. as long as i am practicing the way I WANT to practice. which, in general, it makes sense.. because if you think about it, in Covens, the High Priestess is usually revered as the Goddess in flesh. So She IS Goddess. and how many rituals are there to invoke a God or Goddess? To INVOKE is when you invite the Deity, etc. 'into' yourself, and for a time you 'become' that Deity. so again, You, or I AM Goddess. 

And I cannot tell you, how amazing this place really is. I have only been attending for about 3 months, but i fell in love with the place the very day I stepped foot into this place. I am on the Events Team, I am a greeter when I am needed to fill in for someone else. I am just learning the ropes in helping in the bookstore. Next Week I am collecting tickets for some concert thats going to be going on friday night. June 15 & 16th i will be helping the place out with their booth that they will have set up at the Gay Pride fair, I am also going to be in the Gay Pride Parade on the 16th. I cannot say when i was this busy with Church when i was were i used to live. 

I am not the only Pagan there. and many sermons are directed towards other religions.. Last Week, being Mothers Day, Rev. Molly (I LOVE her soooo Much!) talked about the Divine Mother..  Today she mentioned something about the Buddhist. I love that i am so welcome in this place. 

Not just that but the people there are just so openly welcome to everything. my other favorite person, Maggie, she, once my throat is completely healed from being swollen and crap, She will be giving me voice lesson! i can hardly wait XD 

what more can I Say!? i LOVE this place! lol 

*I Still Miss my UU Church in Omaha though =(  

   

fake or real?

ok, so, two weeks ago I met this boy at the mall when I was going around looking for jobs. he tells me that he'd like to just hang out. so this week he texts me saying Thursday at 3 we can do something.. It is now SATURDAY. I've only texted him once asking if we was still gonna hang out. no call. no text.. nothing.
And last night, I wasn't feeling so good, (tonsillitis is a bitch) I text someone just to talk, and THAT goes totally ignored too. so I'm going WTF people? but he can post on my Facebook status today but he cant answer a text? Nice. I am so tired of fake people. I really am. And it makes me even greatful for the few 'true' friends I have. I mean my friend that has a new baby, I understand that he cant answer me all the time, and I don't take that personally. If its one thing, i hate being ignored and stood up. If you cant answer a text, hmm, i don't know, maybe leave me a message through Facebook saying phone isn't working? when i'm offline messages go to my phone through text.. even if it doesn't, i will at least know why you are not answering me.. is that really too much to ask for? Well, i think i am going to start looking at people i meet in a different way. i really don't NEED many friends to survive.. being a hermit crab works just fine for me..

First Blog Ever In My Life

An Introduction to Me 


My Name Is Jade, I am 23 years old. I am Bi-polar and ADD. (Ohh.. A Shiny!)
With my bi-polar, even if that's what i really have, i do admit i don't have many mood swings but they do happen, and when they happen THEY happen..
But for some reason i disagree with the doctors on this part. call me crazy but i really do feel as if there is someone else and not me. I'm not saying Split personality or Multiple Personality Disorder. She feels like she is bound to me.  She talks to me, we argue. She looks different than I. She says her name is Seraphina. She is tall, very pale skin, long straight black hair,deep emerald green eyes, black angel wings on her back, horns of a goat on her head. but she is not scary at all. if fact, i find her amazingly beautiful such as she. She also tells me that she has Fae blood running through her veins, so maybe its all a glamour to me? I don't question it anymore. I have accepted her into me. But she does have a temper.. so i think when i have rage or extreme anger, its actually me acting in her behalf, since she cant herself..  I am very great-full for her because i found her at a time when i felt I had nobody. (She is also the inspiration behind the title 'Inside the Mind of a Dark Angel')

Besides that craziness, more about me; i am bisexual. i am a democrat. my sign is Gemini. I am a mother of the most beautiful little girl in the world, and i am extremely great-full for the family that is now taking care of her. I am an Eclectic Solitaire Pagan, and very proud of it. i am extremely sensitive towards other people, and i am an empath(more below). i aspire to be an owner of a bakery/candy shop someday. other than that i don't know what more to say about myself except, you will see who i am, and whats inside my head in future postings.

 I have been contemplating on starting a blog, not only to help ease my mind, but i also believe it will allow me to even learn to write better. My Soul Sister is my inspiration to wanting to give it a try. My goal is to write about at least SOMETHING everyday.

So for my first Blog,


An Empath is a person who can psychically tune in to the emotional experience of a person, place or animal.

Me Being an Empath..
I hate it because it makes me worry about people that I cant help. I wish there was some kind of 'switch' that i can push to turn it off. I also feel the weight of everyone and my own problems on my back and at times i wonder if i can even go on much further? Then i find a way to get rid of a little bit, just for more to pile up on me.  Along with being an empath, i also have the gift of sympathy. I know so many other empaths who could give a rats ass what the other people around them. Me? Nope. I will go out of my way to solve every problem I can before trying to solve even my own problems, and a lot of times, it goes unnoticed. Many times i have done something without being thanked.
Then the Seraphina... 'Why even bother anymore? Why do we have to care so much? Why do you burden yourself with so much that you obviously cannot handle?'

But then i close that Iron cage (she cant touch Iron) that i had built in my mind to shut her up.

I'll tell you why I do it, It is because I feel that it is my job. Something that I must do. Eventually someone will see my good deeds. And maybe someone will someday wish to follow me in those ways. So I keep doing what I do, because I know what it is like to not have anyone to talk to. Because I wish that I had someone I could cry to.  Its not about the acknowledgement, its about making the people around me feel better. I see things in them that they themselves don't see. My ex, Raven, (Lilith's father) still asks me to this day what 'spark of light' did i see in his eyes when i first met him. For he was so consumed at the time with all the negative things people said about and to him that he could not see the goodness that he possesses. And i will continue to do the same thing to everyone i meet. So i say, Goddess.. BRING IT ON! Because I AM strong enough to hold onto everything and anything you throw my way. This is not really a burden. it hurts like hell, and drives me insane at times, but this is my gift. and i shall bear it with a smile, even though i wish to cry sometimes.

And I will end this Blog tonight with a farewell and i hope at least someone will read this and upcoming ones and i hope that maybe.. just maybe i can change someones life around.


<3 Jade