tarot reading I did for myself.

I had just done this Tarot reading on myself, from my new deck "The Love Tarot" with my current depression and situation at home. mind you, this is no ordinary tarot deck, as it only has the Major Arcana, plus three different cards, Faith, Hope, and Charity.  I think I can grasp the meaning, but anyone reading this, can also give their insight and thoughts.....




Love Tarot reading:
Spread used: 5 card The Fleur-De-Lys
Reading:
card 1"You")
 The Emperor reversed: a parental or other authority figure, or even a pedantic partner, attempts to dominate you. The Emperor's controlling behavior manifests as an unwillingness to really engage with you in a reasonable way. This card can also indicate you may rush into life love before thinking it through.
Card 2 "who or what you desire, or the cause of the conflict"
The High Priestess: As you wait for love to come, you may be drawn to an enigmatic individual, of whom you have not yet spoken. This person may be the key to learning and inspiration, a mentor rather a lover.
Card 3 "The best you can attain at present"
The Wheel of Fortune: Expect a sudden shift in the sphere of your affections. This is a positive card so you enter an intensely happy phase in a relationship as factors such as family, work and finances take a turn for the better.
Card 4 " what lies beneath the present situation."
Charity Reversed: this passion in a relationship ebbs. The way you relate to someone is changing, and maybe you keep a little of yourself hidden, or become competitive with a close friend or lover. Your relationship, or your attitude toward romance, is half-hearted at best.
Card 5 " the likely outcome"
Strength reversed: courage crumbles when strength reverses, bringing unhappiness as you lose control of a situation because you cannot trust yourself to do the right thing. Confront the problem, and your resentment and disappointment may just evaporate.

Hate this feeling....

I really hate being depressed. the worst feeling ever. I hate how my mother treats me sometimes. Anything I do, its never good enough. I JUST lost my job, and she wants me to hurry up and find a new one, like its that easy for me. And ever since I got here, she has asked me about moving out. I thought that coming here would be a good way to get that mother/daughter relationship back that we lost over 15 years ago. I think I was wrong. Her and my brother were arguing earlier today and I felt really bad about it and I had gone down the stairs when I thought it was over, and I asked a simple question. Was the way my brother acts my fault? I can be honest, I wasn't the greatest kid growing up. So my brother saw me do things that he shouldn't have. So yes, I do.believe its my fault. But my mother had to jump down my throat,saying that I always have to butt into things that I don't belong, and I need to stop trying to be center of attention... Then she shook my faith. Saying that me going to church is only a social gathering for me, that I never learn anything, and I always have to be around everyone at all times.. She is right  that last part. I do have to be around people. There are 3 people, Robin, Maggie, and Rev. Molly, that I look up to the most, and I do always want to be around them because they are the first positive people I've been around in a long time, they are people I highly respect, and people I wish I could be just like. I don't understand why that is such a bad thing. My mother mentioned that I always have to be around someone, and I told her its because I hate being alone. I have been alone in my life alot, and I hate it. She then told me that I just basically said I hated myself. Maybe she's right. I have never really liked myself much. That's why I attach myself to people that I look up to. Its the only thing I know..seriously, what is wrong with me? And now, I don't even see the point in anything I do or believe in... I have always been wrong. Why? My life was going well until recently.. I eat everything in sight again, I hardly sleep..my life is a mess..

~small rant~

Ok, so I have a question. Is the word 'therapist' written on my forehead that only people who wont listen to my advise can see? Talking to this guy saying he's going to kill himself, what's the point, I'm alone, always will be.. Etc etc... And I tell him, I am there for him, he's got kids, tell him to find the positives in being alone, tell him there is so much to live for. He won't bloody listen. he eventually said that it is partly MY fault because I turned him down once. umm.. How about move on? I told him at the time that I have way too much shit on my plate to be with anyone. And now after the crappy relationship that I just got out of, I really don't want to be with anyone right now. I am embracing the loneliness. I am being me. So its my fault that he is suicidal. Seriously? So I tell him the only way that I can make sure that you stay alive, I'm gonna have to call someone to have him hospitalized... then he blocks me. Seriously? Why even bother talking to me in the first place if he's not going to even listen to advice? Why even talk to me if I am the reason why you are like this? I don't get it. Please someone explain this insanity to me?

Going mobile...

"Inside the mind of a Dark Angel" has gone mobile =D that means more posts........maybe..lol.

Emotionally Broken....

I have come to the conclusion that i am indeed broken. Emotionally broken. Since Raven, then Rabbit, I have no idea how to love anymore. I have come to the point in my life that i could care less if someone came into my life and said "i love you" honestly, i wouldnt believe it. and i cant love back. Dont expect anything out of me. there is only one person on this entire planet that i love more than life itself, and i cannot see her.


Nate recently left me because he got pissed that i have not texted him in a while (when i told him from the beginning that i do not talk much.. if you really want to talk to me, text me first. otherwise.. you might not hear from me a few weeks at a time.. thats just who i am)

He also got pissed at me because i told him something that was on my chest that needed to be said... We hardly saw each other due to our different work scheduled and other things got in the way, but when i did see him, he would pick me up, maybe get something to eat, go to his place, sit for a bit and do nothing, then screw, then he'd take me home... thats it.. how is that even a relationship? Something else i told him in the beginning. I AM NOT A SEX TOY and i will not be used as such. there is so much more to me that sex. sex means NOTHING to me anymore. in fact, i would not care if i never get any ever again. it does nothing for me.. too many people have ruined it for me.. 


I no longer believe in love. I am no longer searching for 'the one'. maybe i am destined to be alone the rest of my life, and honestly, i think i would be quite happy with that. as long as i have my family and few close friends, i will be happy. i am not completely cold-hearted, but i am a little cold anymore.

Maybe this is a little extreme, but i have no idea what else there is to do..

And all the Masks come off...

*i was trying to find a way to make this next one into a poem, but however, when i had the words, i did not have a pen or a way to write it down...SO.. in blog form....* 

One thing that i have always loved and admired are masks. The bright, feathery masks. My mother had some porcelain masquerade masks that hung on our walls when i was little and was always fascinated by their beauty. in fact, as most people who know me, know that i LOVE Phantom of the Opera. And now, working at a store called The Costume Vault, i get to see all sorts of masks. from the cheap plastic ones for children, to the latex masks, the bloody and gorey masks, the clowns, vampires, the pinheads, the jasons, the freddies,  the ICP and Slipknot masks.. and then, those beautiful jeweled (yes fake, i know), feathered, bright, colorful masquerade masks.. they are the only masks that we have behind the counter.. so those who want to "five-finger discount" they are protected. 

One thing about masks i love it you could wear one, and no one could see who was behind it. You could be someone completely different. Be whoever you wanted to be. 

Growing up, i felt as if i had to where a mask. Pretend to be something i wasnt. be someone i was not. I wore a different mask for different people. In front of my family, i had to wear the mask where i could not show my individuality. When i had my obsession with certain music or movies, and my mother and step-father made fun of it because of what ever actor or singer i was 'in love' with was in their eyes "Gay" So i grew up to just follow what my mother did, i put the mask on. whatever she liked, i liked. whatever she didnt like, i said i didnt like as well. 

In front of friends and the public, I had to wear the mask that "everything is ok" I learned how to smile and laugh when i really wanted to breakdown and cry. 

When i left my mother when i was 16 and lived with my aunt, i found that i was wearing that "everything is ok" mask alot. I pretended i was happy when i felt shunned by my mother. 

after leaving my aunts house when i was 18 it was the "i dont need anyone" mask. I was so tired of being hurt by my loved ones. So i left and pretended that i didnt care or needed anyone. 

When i had found Paganism, I was still attending the Baptist church. I for some reason, could not leave the church for quite a while. So that was another mask i had to wear. Pretend that i was the good christian girl that i used to be. 

As you can see, this would be quite maddening right? it was. Everything wasnt ok, I wasnt smiling or laughing. i wasnt pretending, all alone, i was depressed, which caused the cutting.. i can go on and on.. 

but for some reason, every morning i woke up, i would put on another mask, which felt like a mask made of concrete by the way, I would face the day, pretending and butting on the strong front that i showed.  It almost became addicting. I started to forget who 'jade' really was. I got worse and worse. i had hit that rock bottom, and pretended i was on top of the world. 

I already know what its like to take of one mask.. i took off that 'good christian girl' mask long time ago. i was finally free from that. 

But it wasnt until i moved back to Ohio that i really started to crack at those cement masks that seems to not want to come off. 

but something made them 'crack' i dont know if its the people im around or if its just this place. i dont know.. I can now say i know who i am. when i say that everything is ok. i mean it. im not pretending. i dont know when, but i realized it last Sunday during service that I am ME. i can breathe and just be. I have no reasons to hide who i am. i have my own personality. my own likes and dislikes. i am empowered. and i cannot bare to tell you how free it feels. 

And i hope that whatever is happening in my life, it continues. 

*Now dont get me wrong though, i still love the real things!*

Life Is Perfect!!

Life is so perfect right now! I have been super busy at work because it is back to school season, so everyone is shopping at staples for school supplies. Busy is good! because that means business is good, so is me working there.  Also at work, Saturday afternoon, i was checking out this woman, who looked oddly familiar, but i didnt say anything, because that happens to me all the time, all kinds of people look familiar to me.. But then she said something.. "you seem familiar" I just tell her that if she had shopped there in the last few weeks, since ive only been there for lil over a month..  shes  proceeded to tell me she hasnt.. she asked me to name schools i been to, since she a teacher.. i told her one, shes like no, she looked at my nametag. then said JADE!, Horizon Science Academy, which was the school i was attending before i moved back to Nebraska.. It was my absolute favorite English Teacher from there. I could have talked to her for AGES that day.  THEN not even 10 minutes, Hector, on of the managers that works there, told me that the surveys that the customers have been taking, a few of them have mentioned me, and were very good comments. I thought that Day couldnt have gotten any better, but oh was i mistaken!

After i had gotten off from work, and texted Nate as i usually did when i got off, because i just cant get enough of him ^^  but sometime real late that night, we made it official =D Nate is now my boyfriend! Omygoodness thats so awesome saying ^^

Then had yet another Really awesome day at work yesterday and today..


Plus The Fucking Awesome Halestorm/Evanescence concert that i went to with Nate and Sean last Wednesday

I have an amazing job, Wonderful friends, I love the church I go to, My Amazing boyfriend (still so awesome  saying it!) My mom and I are getting along very well!

Spiritually, im happy, i love the church alot. i have even thought that eventually, when i have the time and money, i would join the classes, learn to be a licensed practitioner. I look up to Reverend Molly alot. She is so inspiring to me.. i also love Robin, she is just amazing people to be around..
Besides that, im a member of a coven, and also a few other pagan friends on the side, who are all amazing.

Seraphina is happy. She has not had to be caged up for quite awhile now. She has been approving everything. its so wonderful when the Dark Angel inside of my mind is happy.

Havent had any Bi-polar moments.

I cant complain about anything!


  









     

Work and friends and possibly more than a fling?

I have to apologize greatly for not bloging so much lately. I have been soooo busy lately. I am working at Staples now, and its been so crazy busy because we are already doing back to school sales and we have been getting swamped. and being so busy i have been very tired when i get home, so i am not online as much as i used to when i didnt have a job.


And when i am not at work or at home sleeping, i am spending time with the most amazing friends I have ever met. Dont get me wrong, the people i have left behind in Omaha are all still with me in my heart. Greg, Stacey, Aly, Ted, other Stacey.. and of course the most precious tin my life, my Lilith, whom i miss so very much. there is not a day go by that i dont think of her. My heart aches to hold my daughter. but i know deep down, she is where she needs to be. She is healthy, and she is happy.  
But the people i have been hanging around lately, they are all sorts of fun and warmth.. Crystal and Rous, who i met at the Pride fair as well as their adorable children Awhen and Kai who i just love to pieces.
and then my other friends, my online friends turned into such awesomeness! i had finally met Amanda & Sean who just pure awesomeness. I cant wait to be able to hang out with them more and more ^^


And then... *sigh* Nate... Oh Goddess... He's cute. He's sweet. he's got a job, which is a HUGE plus..  He's i dont know.. i dont even know what to call this.. its new, totally unexpected.. another reason why i love Amanda & Sean.. i met him through them. lol, just meeting him, i was pretty much stunned.. im glad i decided to go out that night or I dont think i would feel like this. We have been pretty much talking almost non stop except when either of us are working or sleeping. we have a date planned for this next Thursday so of course i will TRY to write about that when it comes. its just the start of something beautiful..i can tell. I feel it within my heart,my soul. And I am hopping that this is it.

Everything is just so perfect right now.  i stumbled onto this status earlier "doesn't need to wish on stars because everything in this moment is perfect."  and that's how i feel right now.the planets and stars are all aligned in the right spots to make everything happen the way its happening! the job, the people i been around,Nate.. its all coming together. I do not regret moving back to Columbus. I feel its the best thing i have done. and i dont think i could be happier <3

*And on a even better note* 

Seraphina is just as happy, and approves of everything ^^

Storms...

Happy Full Moon! I am finally back. I have been out for a moment. Ohio had a storm that ended up knocking out all the power. It is good to finally be back online.

I dont know why, but I am always amazed by how awesomely powerful storms can be. Not only powerful, but awe struck, energizing as well as relaxing. As well as with the rumble of the thunder and the electrifying Lightning. Its my most favorite thing in the world. I love the energy.

Death and a Ritual.

First off, have to say sorry for not posting so much.. not much goes on to post about...
This post will cover two things...


     First. Death. A friend of mine, whom i have not spoken much to because of some differences in the past, But nonetheless, she is still my friend and "Mamma Bird" as i have called her. She has lost her husband due to cancer. Jack was a very sweet man. He cared about everyone he met. He was a Father and a great Husband. He will be missed by everyone.


    Secondly, It is Summer Solstice. The time when the sun is at its highest. the day is longer. Also When the Goddess is in her Pregnant Form. Turning from Maiden to Mother. The Horned God is in his Prime. and there could have been no greater time to meet new friends. I was invited to be in participation in their circle. It was so... i dont know how to say it. It was powerful! You should have been there to just feel the energy that was raised. I have been home for a while now and i am STILL feeling the energy. I have made the decision to go through and join their coven. i felt so welcome there. It will be different for me since i have never been in a coven, but i feel that it is time that i expand my horizons.
  

Another Year gone..

So, i made it to 24.. there was a lot of ups and a lot more downs this year. But i have learned from all my mistakes and so forth. I will be anxiously awaiting for the many teachable things i will learn in the next year to come. 

Back To School?

OK, so I JUST got off the phone with this wonderful woman, who told me about this wonderful School, that lies 15 min away from Cincinnati .. The Art Institute on Cincinnati. (didnt even know there was an AI school in Ohio)  She and I talked alot, i told her about my many failure attempts of college. and how i may even be in default. How im at my mother's mercy with transportation and lack of money to move to a different city.

So the Baking & Pastry will take me a year to complete. unless i want to take other classes on top of that, which i will. She told me that there is housing that could go on with my tuition, and if i am in deferment, they can help get me out of it. she even told me that Me being ADD which i told her about, she had told me that their program is so hands on and a creative outlook for people like me. they work one on one with people who need it.

i REALLY want to do this. So now all i have to do is convince my mother.. because i know what she would say.. She would tell me that ive already done it so many times.. i wont finish.. blah blah blah..

Could you just imagine? me Finally finishing and doing something i love?

Oh AND the Culinary program is in ties with Food Network! she told me that someone is an iron chef and another person is on Cupcake Boss! How awesome is that!?

The Angel Is Depressed.

What can I do? I cant drop everything in my life and go running to save him. Nor do I even have the money to be able to go back home. I miss my home. I miss Omaha. I miss My daughter. I miss Him.

And now he is in trouble for something that he did not do. and I am here. not able to help in any way. and it hurts. it hurts to know that his life is screwed up, and i cannot be there for him, to lift him up, just a bit. like he has done for me so many times. I cannot count how many times he has actually saved me. Too many times to count. and i feel that i should do something but alas, i cannot do anything, but be there for him if he wishes to talk to me about his problems.

He is my best friend, and he still has a huge part of my heart. and im not sure if he is aware of this. which i am fine with that, i just wish he actually knew how much i care. because i honestly dont think he see's.

I Just pray to Morrighan, the Dark Goddess we both cherish, that she keep a watchful eye over him. Keep him safe. Keep him calm. Keep him at peace. Help him get his child back into his arms. Help him to see that there is love. That there is people out there who actually care and love him. Help him to see that he does indeed have friends who would never stab him in the back.

This Dark Angel is depressed. Only because she does care, and she does worry for her precious friend. This Dark Angel will continue to pray very hard for him.

Work day.. EPIC FAIL

Today when i woke up, I was extremely positive that I was going to pass this  'test day' at what was going to be my new job. I go in, at 4:00pm get introduced filled some kind of paper work, then got right to it. did whatever they wanted me to do. So, I had cleaner and a towel, also a broom and dust pan in my had all day. The moment someone got up to leave, i was there, to clean up. as well as got to know some of the co workers and joke around whenever it was necessary, usually when someone else started it. over all, i had a very good day. There was many people that had said i was doing a very good job. and i got along with everyone i worked with today. So at the end of the day, i was feeling very confident that i finally had a job! The manager that was to determine whether or not I had a job, he had nothing but nice things to say about me. he said I did an amazing job, I was very enthusiastic, very friendly, Worked very hard. My confidence growing even more. I sit there listening to the praises and even thank him for such.. The the BUT comes... "We do not feel that this is the place for you. you showed excellent work today, and if today was like a normal busy day we would have been able to see more of what potential you have,  but since its was a slack type of day, and were not able to show what you can preform at a faster speed, we do not want to hire you here right now, and be too overwhelmed with the work"  I think i literally felt my world come crashing down. I hardly ever cry at something like this, but i was LOOKING FORWARD to this job. all the while, he keeps apologizing, i wonder what is he not telling me? what horrible job did i really do? what did i do wrong? what could i have done better? all the while crying my eyes out, trying to make him change his mind, "But i can do it, how can you tell me i cant do the super busy days if you don't want to put me through that test? I dont understand. I really dont. So once again, i have no job. I have to keep looking..... Will I ever find one?

Fake or Real part II

Ok, the day I was ranting about friends being fake.. I am going to go into a specific detail about something that really PISSED me off today...

That day, I had went through my facebook and deleted ALOT of people. most who I used to associate with when I lived in Omaha. There only a few that I considered near and dear to my heart did I keep from my past life.

Today one of these friends gets online and we start chatting it up a bit. I have known Ted for at least 5 years. I knew from the beginning that he wanted more then friendship. I just did not see him the same way he saw me. but for a long time, he was respectful about it. he was the one I would go to, to cry on his shoulder. he has seen me go loser after loser. besides that, we would joke around, and flirt. but that as far as it has ever went. I eventually, did sleep with him,which I sorta regret doing now, because now since it was only once and never again, that it was all him, he wasnt good enough.. but that just wasnt it.. It was more i was not really ready for anything super serious since my bad breakup with a previous boyfriend.. He is the type of person who is always down because everyone else has someone and he doesnt. he just did not value what he had. I always told him that he wil find someone, just to be positive. I have suggested countless times to try to look for work, or even go to school. do something for himself. every time he has ignored my advice, so, i kinda gave up just giving it to him. But I was always still around to talk to him and listen to him.. I moved about 3 months ago, and he doesnt really get online much, so we dont talk very often. Today was probably the 3rd time i have talked to him since moving. We start conversation with the usual encounter and funny and flirty comments to each other. the he goes into his usual depressed state,


*start actual conversation*


Ted: "hell playing in traffic is bout most of the amusement i get nowadays...kinda sad... when i get to know someone long enough that im comfortable enough with them to either flirt or proposition them... the answer always no.."

Me: I know.. alot of the time it was me..

Ted: u told all the chicks here to not play around with me?? what the fuck

Me: no.. i was one that always said no

Ted: ur not the only one hon... they all been saying no...even some of our sluttier members of the group...

Me: i wish i could help you out.

Ted: ehh... shrugs u ran off and found u a family that cares for u and a life... i no begrudge u that hon...

Me: and actual happiness. i can truely say im happy without faking it for once

Ted: grins... nods like u faked it with me...

Me: that wasnt faking dear..

Ted: ya.. that y we did it so many times and sessions....hell i didnt even rate a 2nd try

Me: ted.. dont. you know im messed up when it comes to stuff like that.. why must you always make me feel bad?

Ted: im not trying to make u feel bad... im trying to figure out what the hell is so bad about me that i cant get anyone to even try...if i have someone flirting with me... i try the answer is no...always...

Me: i wish i had the answers for you but i dont

Ted: hell u cant tell me y u pretty much ran from me? even tho u were majorly after me when i first got with christina and hell most that relationship...? then u went through hell from the stories i hear hell most of the group... shit... i no understandy.... hell i no understandy anydamn thing anymore...

Me: depending what hell your talking about...

Ted: subtract the hells... lemme try it again.. from the stories i hear from when i whined to other peoples u fucked ur way through most of the group...hell even shaggy got a 2nd go round... and he made u let him take pics...u kno how fucked that is?

Me: wtf! the entire group? how dare you even assume something like that. and the pics he took, are the ones of me downtown at the wall..

ted: then shaggy lied to me when he said 1 he had sex with u for a few nights... and 2 he lied when he showed me naked pics of u... because i told him u wouldnt ever send me any...

Me: yea i was trying to start a relationship with him. thats diffrent than 'fucking through downtown' i had second thought about it though..

that truely hurt my feelings ted. I really thought you were an actual true friend.. No one has ever told me something so hurtful before. What gives you that right to talk to me like that? because you hate your life and im happy? is that it? Ive told you what to do, get a job, stop chasing after girls all the time. You cant truely be with someone until you love and respect yourself first. No one want to be with someone who is all "why me?" all the time. Stop playing the fucking victim and DO something with yourself. Just because you are not happy, does not give you the right to make other people live unhappy. NO ONE says shit like that to me. How can you say that, yet say you love me? i dont understand that..

*End Conversation*


HOW ON EARTH can someone basically call me a WHORE and call me their friend?? HOW? So again... I really need to re-evaluate the people I meet in the future. Even Raven, my ex and Liliths father, has more respect for me. So once again, i can say, I HATE fake people. And I just request that If you plan of stabbing me in the back, can you do so now and get done with it, and get out of my life? My life is way much more important to be brought down. I have a new job to start tomorrow. im busy with church.. I am happy with my life. DO NOT try to bring me down because you hate your life so much.


Thank you and have a good night

Within Temptation's Angels, for you to enjoy

A little bit about Sunday mornings.

I'm dedicating this blog to the church... no not church... the spiritual house that I attend to each week. I cannot call it a church because it is not 'read the bible and listen' This is a 'practice how you wish and we all come together as one; type of place. this is based on "The Science of Mind" Philosophy, which clams that ALL is God. meaning, that I am god, you are god, the air, earth, water, fire, is God.. which i agree except i like to change this to All is the Goddess. and Speaking with Rev. Molly, she believes that whatever i believe is ok. as long as i am practicing the way I WANT to practice. which, in general, it makes sense.. because if you think about it, in Covens, the High Priestess is usually revered as the Goddess in flesh. So She IS Goddess. and how many rituals are there to invoke a God or Goddess? To INVOKE is when you invite the Deity, etc. 'into' yourself, and for a time you 'become' that Deity. so again, You, or I AM Goddess. 

And I cannot tell you, how amazing this place really is. I have only been attending for about 3 months, but i fell in love with the place the very day I stepped foot into this place. I am on the Events Team, I am a greeter when I am needed to fill in for someone else. I am just learning the ropes in helping in the bookstore. Next Week I am collecting tickets for some concert thats going to be going on friday night. June 15 & 16th i will be helping the place out with their booth that they will have set up at the Gay Pride fair, I am also going to be in the Gay Pride Parade on the 16th. I cannot say when i was this busy with Church when i was were i used to live. 

I am not the only Pagan there. and many sermons are directed towards other religions.. Last Week, being Mothers Day, Rev. Molly (I LOVE her soooo Much!) talked about the Divine Mother..  Today she mentioned something about the Buddhist. I love that i am so welcome in this place. 

Not just that but the people there are just so openly welcome to everything. my other favorite person, Maggie, she, once my throat is completely healed from being swollen and crap, She will be giving me voice lesson! i can hardly wait XD 

what more can I Say!? i LOVE this place! lol 

*I Still Miss my UU Church in Omaha though =(  

   

fake or real?

ok, so, two weeks ago I met this boy at the mall when I was going around looking for jobs. he tells me that he'd like to just hang out. so this week he texts me saying Thursday at 3 we can do something.. It is now SATURDAY. I've only texted him once asking if we was still gonna hang out. no call. no text.. nothing.
And last night, I wasn't feeling so good, (tonsillitis is a bitch) I text someone just to talk, and THAT goes totally ignored too. so I'm going WTF people? but he can post on my Facebook status today but he cant answer a text? Nice. I am so tired of fake people. I really am. And it makes me even greatful for the few 'true' friends I have. I mean my friend that has a new baby, I understand that he cant answer me all the time, and I don't take that personally. If its one thing, i hate being ignored and stood up. If you cant answer a text, hmm, i don't know, maybe leave me a message through Facebook saying phone isn't working? when i'm offline messages go to my phone through text.. even if it doesn't, i will at least know why you are not answering me.. is that really too much to ask for? Well, i think i am going to start looking at people i meet in a different way. i really don't NEED many friends to survive.. being a hermit crab works just fine for me..

First Blog Ever In My Life

An Introduction to Me 


My Name Is Jade, I am 23 years old. I am Bi-polar and ADD. (Ohh.. A Shiny!)
With my bi-polar, even if that's what i really have, i do admit i don't have many mood swings but they do happen, and when they happen THEY happen..
But for some reason i disagree with the doctors on this part. call me crazy but i really do feel as if there is someone else and not me. I'm not saying Split personality or Multiple Personality Disorder. She feels like she is bound to me.  She talks to me, we argue. She looks different than I. She says her name is Seraphina. She is tall, very pale skin, long straight black hair,deep emerald green eyes, black angel wings on her back, horns of a goat on her head. but she is not scary at all. if fact, i find her amazingly beautiful such as she. She also tells me that she has Fae blood running through her veins, so maybe its all a glamour to me? I don't question it anymore. I have accepted her into me. But she does have a temper.. so i think when i have rage or extreme anger, its actually me acting in her behalf, since she cant herself..  I am very great-full for her because i found her at a time when i felt I had nobody. (She is also the inspiration behind the title 'Inside the Mind of a Dark Angel')

Besides that craziness, more about me; i am bisexual. i am a democrat. my sign is Gemini. I am a mother of the most beautiful little girl in the world, and i am extremely great-full for the family that is now taking care of her. I am an Eclectic Solitaire Pagan, and very proud of it. i am extremely sensitive towards other people, and i am an empath(more below). i aspire to be an owner of a bakery/candy shop someday. other than that i don't know what more to say about myself except, you will see who i am, and whats inside my head in future postings.

 I have been contemplating on starting a blog, not only to help ease my mind, but i also believe it will allow me to even learn to write better. My Soul Sister is my inspiration to wanting to give it a try. My goal is to write about at least SOMETHING everyday.

So for my first Blog,


An Empath is a person who can psychically tune in to the emotional experience of a person, place or animal.

Me Being an Empath..
I hate it because it makes me worry about people that I cant help. I wish there was some kind of 'switch' that i can push to turn it off. I also feel the weight of everyone and my own problems on my back and at times i wonder if i can even go on much further? Then i find a way to get rid of a little bit, just for more to pile up on me.  Along with being an empath, i also have the gift of sympathy. I know so many other empaths who could give a rats ass what the other people around them. Me? Nope. I will go out of my way to solve every problem I can before trying to solve even my own problems, and a lot of times, it goes unnoticed. Many times i have done something without being thanked.
Then the Seraphina... 'Why even bother anymore? Why do we have to care so much? Why do you burden yourself with so much that you obviously cannot handle?'

But then i close that Iron cage (she cant touch Iron) that i had built in my mind to shut her up.

I'll tell you why I do it, It is because I feel that it is my job. Something that I must do. Eventually someone will see my good deeds. And maybe someone will someday wish to follow me in those ways. So I keep doing what I do, because I know what it is like to not have anyone to talk to. Because I wish that I had someone I could cry to.  Its not about the acknowledgement, its about making the people around me feel better. I see things in them that they themselves don't see. My ex, Raven, (Lilith's father) still asks me to this day what 'spark of light' did i see in his eyes when i first met him. For he was so consumed at the time with all the negative things people said about and to him that he could not see the goodness that he possesses. And i will continue to do the same thing to everyone i meet. So i say, Goddess.. BRING IT ON! Because I AM strong enough to hold onto everything and anything you throw my way. This is not really a burden. it hurts like hell, and drives me insane at times, but this is my gift. and i shall bear it with a smile, even though i wish to cry sometimes.

And I will end this Blog tonight with a farewell and i hope at least someone will read this and upcoming ones and i hope that maybe.. just maybe i can change someones life around.


<3 Jade