"Change your thoughts...."

"Change your thoughts, change your life." This is the one thing i hold on to dearly. The one thing that i was taught while living in Columbus. All you have to do is change the way you think. When i went for the job interview, there is reasons why i told people not to say "good luck" no. it has nothing to do with luck. i got it because in my mind, i already visioned myself in this job. I told my self i already have it therefore there is no i need for luck. Your mind is a very powerful tool that does not get all the credit it deserves. This is yet one other reason why i do not need medication. I was born this way for a reason, not for people to pump me full of toxic drugs. but to learn and cope with it as naturally as i can. When i am drugged, i am not myself. I can not be myself. in fact even my Epathic abilities shut down while drugged, and that is how i know and understand other people. That is not me. I have learned that the only way to fix my self is to be myself. let nature takes its course. We are nature. I am nature. We do not give drugs to the Earth when she Dies and goes through Winter do we? so why should we have to use drugs when our bodies, minds, spirits decide it is time to go through our personal winter? And through this winter, all i need is deep meditation, lots of communication, and daily affirmations like "I AM love" "I am Joy" "I am Happy" then with time my winter will soon turn to spring once again.

tarot reading I did for myself.

I had just done this Tarot reading on myself, from my new deck "The Love Tarot" with my current depression and situation at home. mind you, this is no ordinary tarot deck, as it only has the Major Arcana, plus three different cards, Faith, Hope, and Charity.  I think I can grasp the meaning, but anyone reading this, can also give their insight and thoughts.....




Love Tarot reading:
Spread used: 5 card The Fleur-De-Lys
Reading:
card 1"You")
 The Emperor reversed: a parental or other authority figure, or even a pedantic partner, attempts to dominate you. The Emperor's controlling behavior manifests as an unwillingness to really engage with you in a reasonable way. This card can also indicate you may rush into life love before thinking it through.
Card 2 "who or what you desire, or the cause of the conflict"
The High Priestess: As you wait for love to come, you may be drawn to an enigmatic individual, of whom you have not yet spoken. This person may be the key to learning and inspiration, a mentor rather a lover.
Card 3 "The best you can attain at present"
The Wheel of Fortune: Expect a sudden shift in the sphere of your affections. This is a positive card so you enter an intensely happy phase in a relationship as factors such as family, work and finances take a turn for the better.
Card 4 " what lies beneath the present situation."
Charity Reversed: this passion in a relationship ebbs. The way you relate to someone is changing, and maybe you keep a little of yourself hidden, or become competitive with a close friend or lover. Your relationship, or your attitude toward romance, is half-hearted at best.
Card 5 " the likely outcome"
Strength reversed: courage crumbles when strength reverses, bringing unhappiness as you lose control of a situation because you cannot trust yourself to do the right thing. Confront the problem, and your resentment and disappointment may just evaporate.

Hate this feeling....

I really hate being depressed. the worst feeling ever. I hate how my mother treats me sometimes. Anything I do, its never good enough. I JUST lost my job, and she wants me to hurry up and find a new one, like its that easy for me. And ever since I got here, she has asked me about moving out. I thought that coming here would be a good way to get that mother/daughter relationship back that we lost over 15 years ago. I think I was wrong. Her and my brother were arguing earlier today and I felt really bad about it and I had gone down the stairs when I thought it was over, and I asked a simple question. Was the way my brother acts my fault? I can be honest, I wasn't the greatest kid growing up. So my brother saw me do things that he shouldn't have. So yes, I do.believe its my fault. But my mother had to jump down my throat,saying that I always have to butt into things that I don't belong, and I need to stop trying to be center of attention... Then she shook my faith. Saying that me going to church is only a social gathering for me, that I never learn anything, and I always have to be around everyone at all times.. She is right  that last part. I do have to be around people. There are 3 people, Robin, Maggie, and Rev. Molly, that I look up to the most, and I do always want to be around them because they are the first positive people I've been around in a long time, they are people I highly respect, and people I wish I could be just like. I don't understand why that is such a bad thing. My mother mentioned that I always have to be around someone, and I told her its because I hate being alone. I have been alone in my life alot, and I hate it. She then told me that I just basically said I hated myself. Maybe she's right. I have never really liked myself much. That's why I attach myself to people that I look up to. Its the only thing I know..seriously, what is wrong with me? And now, I don't even see the point in anything I do or believe in... I have always been wrong. Why? My life was going well until recently.. I eat everything in sight again, I hardly sleep..my life is a mess..

~small rant~

Ok, so I have a question. Is the word 'therapist' written on my forehead that only people who wont listen to my advise can see? Talking to this guy saying he's going to kill himself, what's the point, I'm alone, always will be.. Etc etc... And I tell him, I am there for him, he's got kids, tell him to find the positives in being alone, tell him there is so much to live for. He won't bloody listen. he eventually said that it is partly MY fault because I turned him down once. umm.. How about move on? I told him at the time that I have way too much shit on my plate to be with anyone. And now after the crappy relationship that I just got out of, I really don't want to be with anyone right now. I am embracing the loneliness. I am being me. So its my fault that he is suicidal. Seriously? So I tell him the only way that I can make sure that you stay alive, I'm gonna have to call someone to have him hospitalized... then he blocks me. Seriously? Why even bother talking to me in the first place if he's not going to even listen to advice? Why even talk to me if I am the reason why you are like this? I don't get it. Please someone explain this insanity to me?

Going mobile...

"Inside the mind of a Dark Angel" has gone mobile =D that means more posts........maybe..lol.

Emotionally Broken....

I have come to the conclusion that i am indeed broken. Emotionally broken. Since Raven, then Rabbit, I have no idea how to love anymore. I have come to the point in my life that i could care less if someone came into my life and said "i love you" honestly, i wouldnt believe it. and i cant love back. Dont expect anything out of me. there is only one person on this entire planet that i love more than life itself, and i cannot see her.


Nate recently left me because he got pissed that i have not texted him in a while (when i told him from the beginning that i do not talk much.. if you really want to talk to me, text me first. otherwise.. you might not hear from me a few weeks at a time.. thats just who i am)

He also got pissed at me because i told him something that was on my chest that needed to be said... We hardly saw each other due to our different work scheduled and other things got in the way, but when i did see him, he would pick me up, maybe get something to eat, go to his place, sit for a bit and do nothing, then screw, then he'd take me home... thats it.. how is that even a relationship? Something else i told him in the beginning. I AM NOT A SEX TOY and i will not be used as such. there is so much more to me that sex. sex means NOTHING to me anymore. in fact, i would not care if i never get any ever again. it does nothing for me.. too many people have ruined it for me.. 


I no longer believe in love. I am no longer searching for 'the one'. maybe i am destined to be alone the rest of my life, and honestly, i think i would be quite happy with that. as long as i have my family and few close friends, i will be happy. i am not completely cold-hearted, but i am a little cold anymore.

Maybe this is a little extreme, but i have no idea what else there is to do..

And all the Masks come off...

*i was trying to find a way to make this next one into a poem, but however, when i had the words, i did not have a pen or a way to write it down...SO.. in blog form....* 

One thing that i have always loved and admired are masks. The bright, feathery masks. My mother had some porcelain masquerade masks that hung on our walls when i was little and was always fascinated by their beauty. in fact, as most people who know me, know that i LOVE Phantom of the Opera. And now, working at a store called The Costume Vault, i get to see all sorts of masks. from the cheap plastic ones for children, to the latex masks, the bloody and gorey masks, the clowns, vampires, the pinheads, the jasons, the freddies,  the ICP and Slipknot masks.. and then, those beautiful jeweled (yes fake, i know), feathered, bright, colorful masquerade masks.. they are the only masks that we have behind the counter.. so those who want to "five-finger discount" they are protected. 

One thing about masks i love it you could wear one, and no one could see who was behind it. You could be someone completely different. Be whoever you wanted to be. 

Growing up, i felt as if i had to where a mask. Pretend to be something i wasnt. be someone i was not. I wore a different mask for different people. In front of my family, i had to wear the mask where i could not show my individuality. When i had my obsession with certain music or movies, and my mother and step-father made fun of it because of what ever actor or singer i was 'in love' with was in their eyes "Gay" So i grew up to just follow what my mother did, i put the mask on. whatever she liked, i liked. whatever she didnt like, i said i didnt like as well. 

In front of friends and the public, I had to wear the mask that "everything is ok" I learned how to smile and laugh when i really wanted to breakdown and cry. 

When i left my mother when i was 16 and lived with my aunt, i found that i was wearing that "everything is ok" mask alot. I pretended i was happy when i felt shunned by my mother. 

after leaving my aunts house when i was 18 it was the "i dont need anyone" mask. I was so tired of being hurt by my loved ones. So i left and pretended that i didnt care or needed anyone. 

When i had found Paganism, I was still attending the Baptist church. I for some reason, could not leave the church for quite a while. So that was another mask i had to wear. Pretend that i was the good christian girl that i used to be. 

As you can see, this would be quite maddening right? it was. Everything wasnt ok, I wasnt smiling or laughing. i wasnt pretending, all alone, i was depressed, which caused the cutting.. i can go on and on.. 

but for some reason, every morning i woke up, i would put on another mask, which felt like a mask made of concrete by the way, I would face the day, pretending and butting on the strong front that i showed.  It almost became addicting. I started to forget who 'jade' really was. I got worse and worse. i had hit that rock bottom, and pretended i was on top of the world. 

I already know what its like to take of one mask.. i took off that 'good christian girl' mask long time ago. i was finally free from that. 

But it wasnt until i moved back to Ohio that i really started to crack at those cement masks that seems to not want to come off. 

but something made them 'crack' i dont know if its the people im around or if its just this place. i dont know.. I can now say i know who i am. when i say that everything is ok. i mean it. im not pretending. i dont know when, but i realized it last Sunday during service that I am ME. i can breathe and just be. I have no reasons to hide who i am. i have my own personality. my own likes and dislikes. i am empowered. and i cannot bare to tell you how free it feels. 

And i hope that whatever is happening in my life, it continues. 

*Now dont get me wrong though, i still love the real things!*